By October 15 (late Day 10) I was moved out of the ICU and to "Room 2." While I have some "partial memories", I have no credible Long Term Memories (LTM) of anything that transpired while in Room 2. Meaning, I am told that there is no way that they could have occurred as I "recall" them to have occurred.

Also, it is True that my ability to recall information from earlier memories was offline. Even excessively rote learned memories (such as my date of birth) were not recalled correctly. I am told that I was asked my date of birth while in Room 2 (or Room 1?), and I proudly and confidently stated that it was Oct 13, 2018! (Month, Day, and Year all inaccurate)

The mind does play those games with us - it is even a common phenomenon among the healthy among us. However, while I maintain it happens less so with me in my "normal" state, the "memories" that were generated while in Room 2 were extraordinary. And, apparently not credible. Each had some truth, but those truths were surrounded by a lot of imaginary "non-truth".

Room 2 is a transition room, on a locked ward for people with head injuries and criminals. It is kept dark to reduce stimulation since I was recovering from brain injury.

It was in Room 2 that I had my first shower/bathing. My wife states that by Room 2 I wanted to have a shower every day. (This is what my normal practice was before the accident.) I would be assisted to the shower, sit down, and the nurse did all the rest.

Interestingly, remember that I was not able to form LTM. Thus, within an hour of my bathing, I would be asking for my once daily bathing again.

I also insisted that I stand up to pee. My Foley catheter had been removed in Room 1.

By Friday morning, Day 11, with a physical therapist, I was able to walk assisted.

Important → d-3.) Instinctual Behaviors Supplemented with Previously Habituated Behaviors ← Important

• Day 11 (Oct 16th) - I no longer had a "24-hour safety companion" and instead had an electronic safety device. I suspect (now) that neither was able to do a great job of preventing me from removing my lines. But an automated system? Easy. That morning, the nurse entered my room to find that I had removed my PICC line, folded it up nicely, and placed it neatly on the tray beside me for her to take care of.
  
  Again, I have no memory of this event, and it surely precedes the return of credible long term memory, which I believe is required for rational thinking. And thus, I attribute this behavior to instinct.
  

  → In fact, I now believe that many of the behaviors I have "chosen" to execute that I had regarded as having a rational basis for all these years may very well have been instinctual, with a "rational wrapper" placed around them by my cognitive functions, allowing me to convince myself that they were "well thought out."

  And what was I apparently trying to communicate instinctively with my repeated insistence of removing the lines attached to my veins? Well, most likely, that I wanted them out. AND, that I was going to win that debate. So long as I was conscious.
  
  Important → r.) An Orientation to Solutions, which is not a "tentative" instinct, was doing what it could to solve an issue that I likely had little appreciation of the significance or consequence for. ← Important
  
  
  
• Continuing Day 11, in Room 2 I began to get visits from Occupational and Speech Therapists who would work with me to both test my cognitive status and to help me exercise various of my cognitive and physical abilities. The goal/hope was that I might make improvements to a level that would render me more independent, and thus warrant my approval for release. The cognitive exercises would include asking me things like my date of birth, or what city I was in. Or, to draw pictures, such as of a clock. My first drawings were quite naturally surreal.
  
  
  
  Let's just say that Salvador Dali would not have been approved for release!
  
  
  
  
  On the other hand, I (on the right) was able to copy the pictures nearby that had been drawn for me (on the left).
  
  I was able to write my name. I still did not know the city that I was in, nor the date.
  
  
• Day 12 ? (Oct 17th ?) Room 2 ?? - One interesting visit (from a cognitive reboot sequence perspective) that happened while I was in Room 2 is that I was visited by a friend. She was the sister-in-law of the married couple that would visit me later (below, Oct 18th). I spoke with her, and she left a small notebook that I could write in if I liked. An hour or so later, my wife came to visit, and saw the notebook that had been left in my room. I endeavored to tell her who left it. I had no name recall, but described her generally and as related to someone she worked with (for whom I also had no name recall.) The relationship was accurate, as was understanding of her as the one who had left me the notebook. And, I have no memory of the visit.

  → Thus, credible LTM formation was not yet back online, and yet I had remembered enough info over the intermediate term to communicate something accurately to my wife about the event.

• Important → The following "bullet item" was added 27 Jul 2017, after version 1 was posted. I believe it has significant Cognitive Reboot mechanism of action (MOA) relevance for future research clarification. It is under construction and will be denoted as a version 2 insertion once it is completed. ← Important
  
  Continuing Day 12 ? (Oct 17th ?) Room 2 (for sure) - There was one episode, and 3 solidly different interpretations (of what my "point of view and intentions" were) during this time. 2 interpretations were recorded as the events were recalled 21 months later by two others who were there, and they are confident that their interpretations were "what was really going on." The 3rd interpretation is my own, a hypothesis only, considering what I believe I know about myself, my history, and my thoughts on rationally directed behavior, instinctually directed behavior, and habit formation.
  
  Wife and Daughter were visiting me. Throughout the visit (hours) I wanted to get up for a variety of reasons. Among them - I wanted to go to the bathroom, I wanted to take a shower, I wanted us all to go out together to eat. All of them. Used them all. One per hour, repeatedly.
  
  I had not recovered sufficiently by this time and I was not considered able to walk or get up on my own. Hospital staff was to assist me any time I wanted to try to get up.
  
  Two interpretations of what may have been motivating the events:

  Daughter's view - The stated reasons may not have been important other than that ALL of the reasons for getting up were related to my wanting to leave (escape) the hospital (she says.) For example, I would suggest we go out to a restaurant, even though I had a tray of food in front of me. Or she believes the desire for a shower was suggested as a prelude to my getting ready to go out (something I actually typically had done normally before going out.) Even wanting to get up to pee was used as a first step to leaving (since I am already up, "Let's go!") Daughter believes I purposefully suggested options that were an important logistical step addressing my consistent desire to leave (escape) the Room and then the hospital.
  
  Wife's view - She does not believe I understood that I was in the hospital per se, but rather that I was not at home. She believes that I repeatedly may have been informed that I was at the hospital, and would understand it at that moment, but then would forget that within a couple of minutes. She believes the suggestion to go out to eat was just me wanting to do something together, like, "go out to eat." She agrees that I had been expressing the desire to leave the hospital repeatedly for days, but did not have enough planning capacity or ability at the time to even think about going out to eat as a first step to anything. And, if it had been a planned first step, generated at that moment, I would have forgotten why I had wanted to take that first step within a minute or two. Thus, my suggestion to go out to eat was just that - suggested as a friendly thing to do, and having no further intention behind it (she says.)

  The actual repeated events:

  Hospital staff was not in Room 2 at the time, but Wife and Daughter were. At some point (repeatedly) I would want to get up, and Wife would insist that I wait for staff to help, and gently used her hand to "encourage" me to stay in bed till they came.
  
  I was very much angered by this, and shoved back at Wife, insisting that I knew what I wanted to do and that I was able to do it and that I was going to do it. Verbally I was loud and insistent. Again, this happened repeatedly, perhaps once an hour (as if it hadn't even happened earlier at all.)
  
  Each time, hospital staff would quickly come in to help. On seeing them, my demeanor immediately became gentler and cooperative. They told me that they were there to help me get up and try walking wherever I may be able to. I responded appreciatively, assuring them that I would work with them as appropriately as they believed I was able to.

  My daughter, in describing this experience, insists that I was rude, in no way appreciative of all Wife had been doing for me, and had very little respect for my wife at all. She perceived my actions as intentional, and that they reflected how I regarded my wife.
  
  My wife, while agreeing that the actual events occurred as described, does not describe my "frame of mind" as one of having reduced or diminished respect for her. Rather, she believed I was being insistent, stubborn, and with the brain edema that had recently surfaced, was more easily agitated.
  
  My hypothesis (worth considering, skeptically of course):

  Important → m-2.) Behavior Posture (The Compatibility Seeking Personality Spectrum Filter) influenced by Past Habituation ← Important

  [ I believe this hypothesis is a result of innovative thinking using an active Critical Thinking Personality Spectrum Ensemble. If you got placed here via a URL from [ here ] then fine. You can return to the page you came from by using your browser's "BACK" function. Otherwise, you can ignore this intro paragraph if you'd like. ]

  I have an alternative hypothesis of what may have been going on (see above) from a The Cognitive Reboot perspective. Note: I have no actual credibility regarding what was actually "motivating" my actions as I have no memory of these events having occurred at all. I have no credible LTM from Room 2 at all.
  
  In this description, I take no issue at all that the actual events described occurred. 2 people with working LTM's of the event describe the same thing, even when interviewed by me separately. However, consider the following, offered from a perspective interested in uncovering the truth of what may have been driving the events to unfold as they did, with the demeanors that they did:
  
  

  • I do not believe my ability to think through and make rational decisions about what any of my actions "should be" was "online" at this point. I DO believe I was sufficiently "online" that I was able to both recognize the different people who were in the room and respond to them differently. Interestingly, I responded to them in a way most likely to get their cooperation.
    
    
  • That may not seem consistent with how I was responding to my wife, but let's consider a few more things (below):
    
    
    • Historically (for 30+ years of marriage prior to the accident) it is True (I say) that whenever my wife and I disagreed on "whatever," we would work out the easy stuff the easy way. If we both initially disagreed, and
      
      
      • after reflecting on my opinion she was OK going with my preference, we'd go with my preference.
      • after reflecting on her opinion I was OK going with her preference, we'd go with her preference.
      • on reflecting on her opinion I still disagreed, and yet I didn't consider it a big deal, we'd go with her preference.
      • on reflecting on my opinion she still disagreed, and yet I didn't think she should consider it a big deal, she still wanted the decision to go her way.
      
      
    • Every couple goes through these issues and the math resolves itself differently depending on how everyone's wired up (instinctively.) In our case, if the issue needed to be resolved, and we both had strong opinions, and I believed she was simply being stubborn and I still wanted things to go my way,
      
      
      • I'd raise my voice, and behave more assertively. Because of the way my wife is wired, in these cases I'd usually get my way.
      
      
    • Whether I was "right or wrong" regarding any of my past decisions and behaviors is not the important point here. WHAT IS THE IMPORTANT POINT is that over 30 years, I was trained that if I raised my voice, decisions would go my way. Habituated.
      
      She would always insist that I could have resolved these differences in a much more pleasant way. My wife is sincerely a very pleasant woman, all of the time. And, I always did try the pleasant way first. And second. Repeatedly. In the end, only the stronger, louder vocalizations worked to steer decisions my way if we both disagreed strongly on issues that were not minor. Ever.
      
      Repeated patterns become habituated, if one is able to learn. I learn "that which works" quickly.
    
    The above is fact (I say.) Finishing up the hypothesis:
    
    
  • If my rational decision making facility was either offline or very much diminished, then the only thing left to drive person-influenced behavioral differences is instinctual decision making.
    
    
  • Apparently, during the early phases of the cognitive reboot when interaction with people is involved, I am instinctually nice and cooperative (observed.) I am proposing that this is true if I have no other person-specific habituated influences.
    
    This implies that "behavioral posture" is at least a two step mechanism. During a Cognitive Reboot, first, the base relationship mechanism comes online. Then (later, days or more) the ability to draw on habituated influences comes online. All driven instinctually. Thus, no intentional cognitive conscious decision making need be involved at this point.
    
    
  • I had become habituated prior to the accident (see above) to resolving perceived significant non-resolvable agreement differences with my wife (specifically) using more aggressive (vocalization) behavior.
    
    
  • For whatever reason, I viewed my intention on Day 12 to get up as significant. It is simply the only thing I wanted to do. Period. Wife disagreed. The rest unfolded as reported.
    
    Important → m-2.) Behavior Posture (The Compatibility Seeking Personality Spectrum Filter) influenced by Past Habituation ← Important
    

  Which of the three explanations given actually explains the mechanism generating my behavior during these episodes? Unknown.
  
  There is, of course, a correct explanation. Perhaps a fourth hypothesis!
  
  
• Day 13 (Oct 18th) - As an example of a non-credible, but "quite certain" memory, I remember a married couple, good friends, that came to visit me. And, it turns out that in fact they did come to visit me in Room 2. However, I also remember that when it was time for them to leave, I wanted to get up to hug them goodbye. They said I didn't need to and should just stay in bed rather than get messed up in all the lines and tubes I was attached to. I insisted it was no problem, and got up gingerly, avoided screwing up anything I was attached to, and gave them each a hug goodbye. Through it all they just looked at me amazed, but glad I made it back to bed without screwing up anything.
  
  I am told that that hug, or me even getting up at all, did NOT happen. In no way did it happen. But, it is there in my memory. Distinctly. Such is the power of the mind to "fill in the blanks".
  
  Important → What is notable is how my mind was "filling in the blanks." n.) Imagination Consistent with Learned Past Experiences was apparently functioning. The responses "recalled" that were made by this couple were very much like the responses that would have been observed from them had this event truly occurred in the way it was, and is, recalled. That they visited me was True. That I generally attempted during this time to behave as I was imagining I was behaving was also True. That they would typically respond in the way that I had imagined them responding if the events had unfolded as I "remembered" them is highly likely to be True. Did these events unfold as I "distinctly remember them unfolding?" No. My memory is an amalgam of Truth and Imagination. Without the ability at the time the memory was formed to distinguish between Truth and Imagination. However, what it was that my mind "filled in" where blanks needed filling in was n.) Imagination Consistent with Learned Past Experiences. ← Important
  
  Again, while in Room 2, I actually did not have the ability to consistently or constitutively create credible long term memories. In reality, that is not entirely true. Apparently something factually true could be remembered long term. But certainly nowhere near the whole event. Probably not anywhere near even a significantly partial portion of the event. But a little bit could stick, even though I have no idea of their order with regard to one another (no time dimension aspect or chronological understanding stored). Nor can I separate what was remembered that was actually Real from what was actually Imaginary.
  
  For example, even though I have no "visual" memory at all of who had left me the notebook to write in (above) on Day 12, and I have "visual" memory of the identities of the married couple that visited me (above) on Day 13 ... I do have recall that I had been visited by someone leaving the notebook (just vaguely, really) and that she was related to the married couple that visited me on Day 13. Again, my memory of how I interacted with this married couple was completely inaccurate. But my "memory" that it was they who visited me is accurate.
  
  Finally, I have no chronological sense when either of them visited, or who visited before or after the other. No chronological dimension was remembered for these two events at all. I doubt that even the concept of anything "time" or "date"-wise was even considered at that time. "Time" wasn't actually "Real" to me at all up to this point and even a little later. If it didn't exist to me, why would I think about it?

  → It is not the purpose of this chapter to bring up debated philosophical or physics type issues, although I may in a later ConserveLiberty entry. However, what is interesting and related to the "sense of time and chronological memory issue" is that "TIME" may actually simply be a human construct. Meaning, it may not exist as a dimension at all. And, I actually do believe (both before the accident and now after I have rehabbed into good health,) that "TIME" isn't its own Real Thing like all of the other material or energy things that make us up and that we are immersed in. I won't go into this further here, and I do understand that this is either debatable for some (meaning, could be credible to consider) and not at all debatable for most (meaning, "Of course TIME is real, you idiot!"). What is worth mentioning however is that my sense of time (whether "Time" is actually real or not) seems to come online again later on as the Reboot progresses, and thus that sense of time is probably due to one of the many "subroutines" that come online with the reboot but has not come online by Day 13.

  Now, about the "recall" with certainty of both that which is Real and Imaginary as if both were actually Real and credible ...

  → I think this is telling for memory abilities in general, which most likely do differ from one individual to the next, since we are all built differently. And thus, it may be very likely that there are many people among us today who have memories that they recall, and are thus long term memories that they are recalling, that have both Real and Imaginary parts to them, and that those people also cannot distinguish the Real from the Imaginary. Let's label this phenomenon a Low Credible Perception of Reality (Low CPR).
  
  For completeness, a High Credible Perception of Reality (High CPR) would be one in which memories of both Real and Imaginary events exist, and the individual with them is able to distinguish easily which ones are of Real Events, and which ones are of Imaginary Events. For example, events that one actually witnessed and participated in vs. events that are communicated using fictional narratives, for example those found in books or performances such as in movies or plays.
  
  Our minds often enable us to "suspend" disbelief, so that we may temporarily believe something fictional that we are viewing as "happening for Real" in order that we may immerse ourselves or embrace more strongly the "imaginary reality" of what we are seeing so that we may enjoy it or better relate to it. However, those with High CPR have no problem later regarding which events in their lives that they have witnessed were actually Real, and which were Imaginary ... even if temporarily regarded as "Real."
  
  Those with Low CPR are less able to do this credibly (meaning accurately).
  
  And then, of course, there are the realms of:

  • our dreams, and
  • our daydreams, and
  • the assumptions we may make as we attempt to understand what we are experiencing or being exposed to without sufficient information that WE have actually validated as factual,
  • and others.
    
    

  In short, I ("now") believe that during this phase of my Reboot, I did not have sufficient subroutines booted up such that I could function in a High CPR mode. With time, I did boot up sufficiently to execute High CPR. An interesting hypothesis is that perhaps those who normally function in a Low CPR mode may not have one or more effective subroutines needed to get them to High CPR. It's all in the wiring. None (or, mostly none) of us are built with all of it, and some of what we got can become damaged. I got fortunate.

  I was "there" in Room 2, in a Low CPR state. I was not "there" before the accident. And, I am not "there" now. I very much am able to distinguish between the Real and the Imaginary for long term memories that I generate now. And even for those that were generated before the accident. I am just typically in a High CPR state, or at least I believe that I am.
  
  (Folks who are in a Low CPR state often believe that their memories are quite credible. An ironical paradox.)
  
  I do believe, however, that the distinction (categorization) between what is Real and what is Imaginary needs to be understood at the time those long term memories are being generated and stored. For I cannot untangle the real from the imaginary for memories that I generated while I was in Room 2 (or Room 1, if any happened there.) In any of the memories I have from Rooms 1 or 2, whether credible or not, all of what I remember with them is recalled ("now") as if they were factually real.
  

→ Room 2 was last updated 20 Jun 2017 18:40 PDT ←

---

Day 14 (Oct 19th) - I was transferred to Room 3 that afternoon, where I remained for the rest of my stay at the hospital. Room 3 was where I would make the final stages of my recovery, and it was here where my ability to form credible long term memories slowly began to return.

Long term memory (LTM) formation, at least my LTM capacity, is not something that is simply "On" or "Off". Rather, it builds slowly, taking weeks or months. Actually, how would I know? All I can say is that it got better over months. And, my first credible LTM (meaning I was able to accurately and consistently distinguish between memories of the Real vs. memories of the Imaginary) came after I had relocated to Room 3.

My family might articulate it differently. They might say, for example, that they could tell my ability to remember could be seen to be slowly returning when, after having a conversation with me where they answered my questions, I did not ask them the same question again within 30 seconds as if I had not ever asked it, and as if they had not just answered it.

Of course, I have no memories of having made such mistakes, which they would recount with humor. On the other hand, how could I remember events that I apparently had completely forgotten after 15 or 30 seconds, or even after 2 minutes?

There is apparently also a distinct separateness between one's having the ability to write something down, and having the ability to remember later the event that one earlier had recorded in writing. For example, note the entry written nearby by me dated 19 October 2015. I was prompted by my therapist to write in the date and my activities for that day. She wrote out "Date:" and "What I did today:" and I was to fill in the rest. Note that I recorded in my own writing that I had actually moved to the new room that day, the room that I refer to here as Room 3.

I have no memory at all of having moved into that room, nor having moved from any other room. Within the fullest conceptualization of my current memory, and I am sure of the memory and perceptions I had at that time (perspectives, I suppose, that I recall, of course), Room 3 is the only room I had ever been in.

• One "vague" early memory I have from Room 3 felt significant to me at the time of the event remembered. At least I recall it that way. (Skepticism is appropriate, of course.) I am told that the event "remembered" occurred at or around my first day in Room 3. I do recall various components of it, and enough to know what my take on how I experienced it (partially) was. But an explanation of what transpired from the perspective of a normally functioning observer requires that I leverage someone else for that. And I did. My wife. Who was there and remembers the event.
  
  From my perspective (remember, as best as I can recall it, and note that this occurred just as my ability to form more credible long term memories was beginning to emerge), I was either in my hospital bed, or perhaps sitting up in a chair beside my bed (which I doubt, rationally, since this was my first day in Room 3. Of course, my rational abilities were also only beginning to emerge as well, bit by bit.)
  
  Numbers:

  I was watching two or three or four people at a white board on the wall across from the foot of my bed. They were writing on it, or maybe just one was. I don't recall the detail of how many were writing. But, what was being written were numbers. Multi-digit numbers. So, three people, three numbers, I think perhaps in a row. If it was three people.
  
  Important take home here was that I was observing. Understanding what I was observing like any of the healthy visitors in the room was not "online" for me at the time. Since it wasn't online, I certainly wasn't aware that there was something to be understood that they got that I didn't get. I was just observing.
  
  At some point I came to the hypothesis that the numbers being written might be relevant to the people at the board. And then from there, I somehow came to the thought that each number was associated with one of the people at the board. One for each. At that point I somehow concluded that each number represented each person at the board. Each was the identifier for each person.
  
  I also somehow had the belief that each person in my room was OK to be in my room, and perhaps each for a different reason. Didn't know what those reasons were, but understood that each person up at that board was understood by them to have a legitimate purpose for being there. And so at that point, I then just assumed that if you had a legitimate reason to be in my room, then the number that represented you was up on that board.
  
  Importantly, the take home here is that for me, the number was the specific identifier for the person at the board. Think about ID for a moment. For most of us, a person's identifier is their name. That's how we label them. For me, at that moment, their identifier was that number. Each one unique on that board for each unique person legitimately there.
  
  Later on (I don't know how much later, could have been moments, or could have been the next day, I have no idea) another person came into the room. And he behaved as if he were legitimately there, and everyone else behaved as if that were so.
  
  At that point I piped up, and asserted that the new person was not a person who was expected to be in the room. When asked why not, I stated, "Because his number is not on the board!"

  On seeing this, apparently my wife felt encouraged (related to me over a year and a half later.) Although certainly, I had a long way to go on my reboot. And certainly I was not at the level of High CPR (High Credible Perception of Reality). However, she could see that I was thinking, and attempting to make some sense of what was happening within the environment around me. And that was a little bit better than what they had seen in Rooms 1 or 2.
  
  Important → For the first time p.) The Ability to Abstract Experiences to General Themes was now evident, as was q.) The Ability to see the equivalence of abstractions for comparison and creative thought. I'm sure it doesn't seem like a big deal to many who are functioning normally, but at this point I was beginning to get beyond simply watching and responding to what was in front of me and now was trying to figure out if there was further "meaning" that was not being spoken. For anyone there, what was going on was easy to figure out for anybody with a little common sense.
  
  At this time, I may have had less than a little, but it was starting to trickle. ← Important
  
  More improvement! Just a little at a time, but still, an improvement.
  
  What was actually happening? It turns out that I had just been moved to Room 3, and was getting settled in, as were the hospital team and any equipment I was plugged into, and my family was there with me. All were exchanging contact information in case they needed to get hold of one another. So those were phone numbers that were being written down. Obvious to anyone there. But not me. To me, they were just numbers that identified the individuals there, and each one was different from the other, and thus unique to them. That's all.
  
  
  
• Day 15 (Oct 20th) - The earliest credible memory I have was in Room 3. I remember noticing and pondering a sign written on a large sheet of paper taped to the wall in front of me that said, "Pt. is impulsive". For a couple of days, I just could not figure out what that was supposed to mean. At some point, I guessed it might mean "Patient is impulsive." However, I really had no clue what they might mean by that.
  
  Based on what I know now about my behavior when not sedated in Rooms 1 & 2, I now understand what they meant. And yet, in fact, what it actually meant was that I was behaving like myself.

  Generally, when I know what I want (both before and after the accident, my default "mode",) I'll indicate it, and make requests if that is what is desired of me. However, if too long a time passes (my perspective) between a request and its being addressed, then I'll take it upon myself to achieve it independently. Now that is quite an enabling instinct when one is normal and healthy and wants to get things done and doesn't believe he is actually anyone's tyrant. On the other hand, its not at all a healthy instinct when one is not healthy, and has compromised motor, balance, coordination, and cognitive abilities. Yet, it seems that patients with head injuries are not always aware of their deficits.

  
  Thus, "Pt. is impulsive." My first credible High CPR memory.
  
  Important → And, for the first time, s.) Written "word" comprehension. Connecting written symbology with understood language was occurring.
  
  Again, just a little, and it took awhile, but improvement was consistent from here. ← Important
  
  
• On the other hand, while credible High CPR long term memory (LTM) formation occurred with regard to the sign (above), that does not mean that LTM formation was now online all the time, or even online much of the time.
  
  For example, while I have no "memory" of the following, notes taken by my wife on Oct 20th indicate that on that date:
  • I did not remember the accident but knew people had told me that I had had a motorcycle accident without my helmet on.
  • I was also aware that I had a brain injury and that that had happened within the last month.
  • Knew I did not work, did not know my previous job, college, or Ph.D.
  • Had walked to the gym (with assistance), went up and down a flight of stairs, and worked on balance.
    
    
  Again, LTM is not an "Off" or "On" ability. It comes "On" gradually, comes back gradually. Some times it happens, sometimes it doesn't. In the beginning, it happened rarely. Later, more often more experiences found themselves in LTM. Even much later, in my case, LTM formation occurred with every experience.
  
  At least, of course, for the experiences I remember. And of course, I believe I remember every one of them! How would I know that I forgot something anyway? Perhaps if another who I shared an experience with remembered it, then if I did not that might be an indication that my LTM formation was not constantly online. I've not had that pointed out to me yet since I completed rehab at the end of 2015, but it is possible that something not shared lately has been forgotten. How would I know that?
  
  There is a justification for skepticism with regard to my memory. Of course, there is also justification for skepticism with your memory too. Just saying.
  
  
• Day 16 (Oct 21st) - After a few days in Room 3 (my perspective) an occupational therapist (PT) came in and said, "We're going to see if we can get you into this wheel chair and if so we'll go on a trip out of the room." That seemed like something I would like to tackle, and with just a little help (and unhooking from whatever they had me hooked to) I wound up in the chair. She pushed me just a little to get me started in the right direction (out the door) and then basically I was on my own and she told me where to go. So down the hall I went, slowly at first, and I kept bumping into the wall as I was having initial difficulty steering straight.
  
  So then I asked, "I guess you aren't going to push me, I'm supposed to do this on my own?" She said, "Yep." I asked further, "I guess its up to me to keep from bumping into the wall?" And she said, "Yep." And at that all I can then remember is that I had fun trying to make it all the way to the elevator on my own without bumping into the wall. I do remember trying (delicately) to avoid drifting into the wall by not moving the left wheel as far forward as the right when propelling myself.
  
  Important → t.) Innovation being used in problem solving. The challenge wasn't seen as a hassle or irritant. It was seen as an opportunity to conquer. And fun. ← Important
  
  It's important to understand that at this time I understood that I was in the hospital, and healing, and at a reduced physical ability level. But at the same time, I had no idea what I was reduced FROM. Nor actually did I even care. Basically, I was just "moving forward". And "solving a challenge." And, having fun.
  
  From the elevator, we rode down a couple floors and then I wheeled into this large physical therapy room, where I did a few various things. Any standing I did wearing a harness that was attached to the ceiling. They were working me back to being able to walk on my own, but I needed to progress to that, and that full progression wasn't going to happen that 1st day.
  
  They were all very positive with me, and congratulatory. So now it was time to wheel my way back to the room, and I asked, "Do you really think I'm doing pretty good? Be honest, just answer whether you think that was really good." And my PT said, "Yes, you really did very well, and you'll probably do even better tomorrow." To which I replied, "OK, then, if you believe that I'm doing really good, then how screwed up had I been that caused me to be brought here?"
  
  I asked this question on 3 successive days. They never answered it, only smiled.
  
  Eventually, I realized that the only way I was ever going to figure out exactly what happened was to figure it out myself with some good detective work.
  
  Important → While this is the first time I "recall" being down to the rehab gym, its actually not the first time I was down there. I had been down the day before, and that time I had walked with assistance, no wheelchair. However, that was very tiring for me, and so today I went down in the chair. I think I went in the chair the next day also. ← Important
  
  
• Day 16 ?? (Oct 21st ??) - Various cognitive tests were done. Some of these I remember, and some I do not. I also remember tests (Q&A) in my room and my "recall" is that they were in the evening with family around. I am not really sure of the time (no chronological aspect was being saved to my memory yet at this point) and it is possible that the blinds were closed and so I may have simply thought it was dark outside. I may have interpreted that as evening.
  
  And thus, not all the specific tests I remember may have actually even been given on this day.
  
  I was asked for the date of my birth.

  I recall giving a date with a year perhaps of 2018. And, I was pretty sure of it, and since I knew I was being tested, I was proud that I knew it. And felt confident at the time that I was correct, or nearly so. To be honest, what I recall is not being quite sure (at least I recall it that way) but I figured I was pretty close. My family was around and I could tell they all knew that I was wrong, and that they also expected that I would come to an understanding I was obviously wrong if I thought about it further.
  
  At that, I'm not sure what caused me to try to rethink my answer, but I believe it was them asking me what year it was currently. And for some reason I understood that the current year was earlier than 2018. They didn't tell me that (as I recall it), but I also don't recall how I came to know that the current year was earlier than 2018. So then I got into my memory a different way. Sort of trying to remember things by thinking or feeling about thinking in a different way. And somehow I got into a rote memory mode, and I knew from rote memory that I had been born in 1958. And my family in that room was pleased. I could tell that they knew I was correct.

  In testing, I apparently knew I had had an accident, but not the date.
  
  I knew body parts.
  
  I had some difficulty with relative size testing (e.g. which is bigger, the dog or the horse?)
  
  Important → u.) Comparative Relationships and the ability to categorize them was still relatively offline. It may have been rebooting, but not executing well yet. ← Important
  
  I had some difficulty interpreting stories (i.e. emotions, details.)
  
  I needed prompting to name the current President.

  I do recall being asked that question, and I recall how I thought through it as I endeavored to speak the answer, although I didn't expose those around me to how I was thinking through it.
  
  Interestingly, the path I was wanting to go through to answer that question was:

  • First, I wanted to recall visually the image of the current president, and
  • then, I would name the president I remembered that way.

  
  This may seem unlike how people recall information like this, and maybe it is unlike it. Or, maybe many recall info this way, but their mind is working so fast at it that they just appear to come up with the name quickly, nearly at the same time they visualize the answer, and so don't think of one coming before the other. I don't know how the mechanism of cognition works during recall testing. However, I can tell you that my mind was working slow. Much slower than normal. I didn't really think of it that way, it just seemed to me like it was taking me longer than I wanted to give them their answer.
  
  So, as I recall it, what my mind went through is as follows:

  • I was asked who the current president was.
  • I anticipated the visual image coming up so that I could name him (or her) ... instead I drew a blank. And so
  • I quickly went to another, sort of reverse mode. In that mode, I thought of the different presidents that I knew, Jimmy Carter first, then Jerry Ford, then Nixon, etc., and
  • I would then get the visual of them and none of those felt like they were the visual for the current president.
  • And I knew that already, but I was hoping that with those visuals would come the visual of the current president, and that didn't happen either.
  • So then I tried thinking of some gross description I might understand corresponded to the current president. Sort of a pattern recognition mode of trying to recall. I am not sure how I recalled that, but I was pretty confident
    • he was black, probably mulatto (so, light Negro) and
    • male and
    • trim and
    • short cropped hair. And
    • I knew that I didn't like him, not for his image characteristics but rather because I did not trust him and was correct for not trusting him.

  
  I'm not saying I was correct, but rather, that these were the descriptors I recalled from my memory for the current president. After a short delay (remember, my mind was working slow) I knew his name as Obama. I had to think harder to come up with the whole name correctly - Barack Obama. It is possible that the prompting that was noted as necessary to name the current president had to do with coming up with the full name, and seeing that it was taking me longer than they had hoped to wait for any name to come forth at all.
  
  → Regarding my "mind" seeming to run slower than I expected regarding the recall of the current President, it is worth mentioning a couple of things. Firstly, due to the accident, recovery, and ongoing but incomplete reboot, my cognitive mind may have naturally been running slower. At the same time, they had me on various medications that might also have had the effect of slowing my mind down. Thus, I'm unclear how much of the "slow mind" phenomenon was due to the mechanism of recovery and how much was due to the meds used to keep me "less impulsive," and to reduce any chances of seizure that they were concerned that might occur. ←

  Tests also showed I had continued Left-side neglect.
  
  
• Day 17 (Oct 22nd) - Within a few days of my first credible LTM, my wife came to visit me after work. On this visit, she let me know that I'd had a motorcycle accident. Importantly, this is my first "recallable memory" of her letting me know that. The actual fact of the matter is that she had told me that on multiple earlier occasions while in Room 2. And the earlier discussions in Room 3. I'd forgotten all of those. But, my LTM formation was gradually returning, and I remember this occasion as "the first time" she told me that.
  
  And, she informed me that the bike was damaged, and that while I may sell it, she was not going to be OK with me replacing it or riding a motorcycle again.
  
  I recall that my initial thought was, "OK, this is going to take some management effort." I understood at that point that the motorcycle accident had put me in the hospital these "last couple of days". I could see that she was over reacting a bit to the whole thing, but since I was in the hospital I'd let her have her feelings and make sense to her later why it would be OK for me to get back on the bike. My intention was that I would bring all this up in a few more days once I was out of the hospital.
  
  Important → At that moment (I recall it clearly, whatever that means!) I believed I had been in the hospital just a couple days. LTM (or lack thereof) can recast what one Perceives in extraordinary ways. And, since it was LTM that was not formed, when it was not formed, it didn't actually even occur to me that there was something I was not recalling. From my perspective, I was recalling everything. Because I was. Of course, the clarifying modification to the last sentence is, "I was recalling everything I remembered, which I believed was everything relevant and informational to what factual truth was." Such as, "How long have I been here." For me, the very clear and credible answer was, "Just a couple days. Maybe three." ← Important
  
  Anyway, it turns out that I hadn't been exposed to "the actual time of anything" (as far as my memory goes) since I had arrived at the hospital. "Two or three days ago." After she left, I spied paperwork on the table desk next to my bed. Figuring it might have some info regarding what they were giving me for meds, or perhaps what my bio stats were, I reached over to pick it up. I've always been interested in that kind of stuff, and proud of how healthy I've always seemed to be. I wanted to see how I was doing.
  
  On that medical record was information I completely did not expect to see. It was a surgical record, which also recorded a few status comments regarding my progress at the hospital. On that peice of paper it said that I had arrived Tuesday, Oct 6th. And that head surgery had started sometime between 1:50 - 1:58PM (I don't remember exactly. It was a precise time stamp.) And it also said that the date this record was generated was Oct 22nd, which I assumed was "today's date."
  
  Out of my memory I knew what Tuesdays were, usually. Around 1PM. Although I couldn't recall having gone to Simon's. But that surgery had started within an hour of that? And that today was Oct 22nd? I didn't do the math, but I knew that was a lot of days. Maybe more than 2 weeks.
  
  I was back "online" enough to comprehend (simply) what all that meant.
  
  Something very different was being experienced cognitively, from what reality really was. On the 22nd, that anything different was being experienced cognitively had not occurred to me at all.
  
  I got that I was going to have to figure all that out.
  
  Important → By now, that o.) Inquisitive part of my instinct was coming back online. ← Important
  
  I figured that was going to be a longer project, since nobody had brought this up before (so far as I could remember.)
  
  However, at that moment I knew one other thing. There was no way I would ever want her to worry about going through what she must have been going through all this time. I really didn't dwell rationally much at all on that decision. Perhaps I didn't have much cognitive rationality back on line by that time. However, I knew then that I didn't want to bring up getting another bike again. And that I didn't want to because I loved her. I just "moved forward".
  
  Important → v.) Empathy - the desire and ability to adopt the perspective of "the other" was now online. Of course, none of us really know how truly empathetic we may be, and most of us overestimate that. Many regard empathy as "how we may feel if we were in their shoes." However, that is NOT empathy at all. With true empathy, we are "feeling as we would feel if we were them in their shoes." That is a big difference. And it is True Empathy which I am "scoring" here. ← Important
  
  And at this moment, I was still unaware of the magnitude of the head injury I had sustained, its details, or even that I had lost 6 pints of blood in the ordeal.
  
  

Insight Note -

From around this time, forward, I began to be aware of cognitive improvements that I was making. Not daily, but I could look back and see that I had made some advancement in some ability relative to where I had been a few days ago, or a week ago. Much later I remarked on how interesting that was for me to be aware that my cognitive abilities were coming back. That I was aware that it was happening, in retrospect. I never knew what was going to improve over a specific time, just that when I looked back on it I could see I had advanced. These stages or layers were an interesting thing for me to watch unfold.

On remarking about this over a year later to Son_1, he was quite enthusiastic with his reply. Basically, his comment was approximately, "Yes, from the time you were first able to follow it again, once your long term memory had begun to come back, you did advance in stages. We saw that too. However, we also watched you as you advanced to the point where you yourself were then able to follow it. We saw you go through those stages. And that was an even bigger journey for you. I'd say what you are aware you have progressed from, through all those stages, that was maybe only 10-20% of the total advancements you made. We watched the other 80% you had to get through before your ability to remember anything you had done came back online for you again. You went from 0 to 80, and only then have watched yourself go from 80 to 95 or 100!"

He continued, "It was like watching someone go from birth or earlier to a young child, in cognitive abilities, at which point you can now be aware of yourself as you constantly mature. But it didn't take you that long. You would cover what an infant might take weeks to progress through in only a few days. You got through the first 80% in maybe 3 weeks. From there what you remember watching is the last 20%. Which took longer to unfold than the first 80%"

Wow, I really had no idea what really should have been obvious, given that I basically went through an operating system reboot, cognitively speaking. Its just that one doesn't consider what one might be like when significant cognitive ability is offline because ... the thing doing the considering is your cognitive ability!

• I actually never experienced "miserable." Rather, the point of all the above is my attitude. I never gave any thought about what I might have lost. That thought actually didn't occur to me. I mainly just wanted to figure my way into better. And, to get out.
  
  
• Day 18 (Oct 23) - By this time, I was bathing on my own. I'm not clear (of course, lack of constitutive LTM works that way) when I was allowed to start bathing on my own, but I do recall a few days of doing so. It was an interesting experience for me. Opportunity. Problem solving. Thinking through things to save effort. The word "logistics" was no where in my thinking at that time, I was just trying to execute to do everything I wanted to do, do it thoroughly and well, most efficiently. So, logistical thinking was definitely happening.
  
  What was the deal? OK, so my room had a restroom in it, which I could use to do my business. However, it also had a shower function. So, I could sit on the toilet to take care of business, and then afterwards use the shower. It was a shower head on a hose kind of thing, and I could sit on the toilet while I used the shower head. There was a drain opening in the floor, very well thought out I thought. So first I would do my business. Then I would take my clothes and socks off (while sitting) and I would put them up and out of the way so that they would not get wet. Then I would use the shower with the soap and washcloth. I don't remember whether it was a bar of soap or liquid soap, but I think it was the liquid kind. I would wash everything, and then wash my hair, all while sitting down. Then, I would rinse thoroughly, always making sure not to get water on my clothes. Once done, I would dry off, and dry off the toilet so that when I put my clothes back on while sitting I wouldn't get them wet. Then I would walk out with my socks and put them back on in my room so that I didn't get them wet. I think it is possible that someone would help me when it was time to leave the shower. It is also possible that sometimes I waited for them, and sometimes I didn't (because I likely forgot to.) But in any event, I did feel like I was able to get myself clean, and I felt like that was something that was good to do. Since I was in a hospital.
  
  Important → w.) The Logistical Filter was up and running. Might have been regarded by some as a bit obsessive, but in reality I wound up sanitarily clean, my clothes stayed relatively dry, and I was able to perform two tasks with just one visit to the restroom. The logistical thinking enabled me to solve another challenge most efficiently. I cared about that. By Day 18. ← Important
  
  
• Day ?? (Oct 21-23 ??) - I recall suggesting to Wife on multiple days that she take me home. That I was able to walk on my own and even if they didn't want to discharge me, I could surely make it to the car if it were parked nearby. And that I thought it was possible to get out through other than the main entrance.
  
  While she nodded pleasantly at the suggestion, after 2 or 3 days I realized that she actually had no intention of helping to get me out of the hospital in the time frame I was intending (i.e. now or in an hour or so.)
  
  I also had no memory at all of having requested to leave each day that I was able to speak (after extubation). No memory because in those earlier days my LTM formation was offline.
  
  And, I also remember mentioning my frustration on this topic to Son_1 one day. He in turn was very encouraging, understanding why I wanted to leave, and suggested that I use the time I still had at the hospital to make additional improvements. Actually, a good marketing execution on his part. It was easy to agree with him. Until he left.
  
  I now realized I was going to have to exit on my own.
  
  And so, every time the PT's came for me to walk me to the rehab center downstairs, or to walk me to the outdoor patio on the floor I was on, etc., every trip I took with them I not only was doing my best to improve, I was also memorizing the halls, the exits, where the entrance guards were, etc. I never mentioned that to anyone.
  
  
• Day 21 (Oct 26) - Difficulty remembering what city I was in when asked during the cognitive testing. And so my sister suggested we bring up the hospital on Google Maps. Her explanation was that the map would also display the name of the city at our location, and that the visual memory of that might be helpful to me. And, it was!
  
  
• Day 21 (Oct 26) - Eventually, I came to realize that my location was 20 miles or so from my home. And, that for me to make it home would be difficult, not because of the distance, but rather because all I had were my hospital gowns or light hospital clothes. Though I might be able to exit the hospital, I would soon be seen by police patrolling the streets (or the highway) and would be picked up since I would have been dressed quite unusually.
  
  And I also knew that in my hospital room, I had neither my wallet nor my cell phone. And I understood those now to be quite handy for overcoming the current need to walk home 20 miles in my hospital gown.
  
  Important → x.) Intuitive Understanding from a Mathematical Perspective was coming back online. And, it was significantly influencing logistical thinking. ← Important
  
  And, so I began asking my wife when she visited if she could bring me my wallet and my cell phone from home. She would ask why, and I have no idea what I actually told her, other than I am sure I gave any reason other than that I was going to use them to get home.
  
  What I didn't know at the time is that my wife mentioned my request for wallet and cell phone to Son_1. Son_1 was quite adamant - Under no circumstances was she to bring me my wallet and cell phone. When my wife asked why, he was very direct, "Because in all likelihood he wants to use those to leave the hospital and go home. If you want him to remain in the hospital until he is ready for discharge, do not bring him his wallet or cell phone, no matter what reason he is giving you for them."
  
  Son_1 understood me far better than I ever realized.
  
  
• Day 21 (Oct 26) - Perhaps a week or so into Room 3, with about a week left to my stay at the hospital, I recall that it occurred to me that the cognitive improvements that I was making would be interesting from a scientific point of view. From a mechanism of cognition point of view. And, that if I would write down what was unfolding with me, that information might be helpful for that scientific endeavor. I also agreed with myself that I would begin to write that info down later. And, I also suspected that I most likely wouldn't write it down at all, at least not during the period that it was actually happening. (And I was right about that!)
  
  Having that idea caused me to recall that I had been working through the issues of cognitive filters as a means to describe the various traits and instincts and abilities and perspectives we have with regards to perceiving the world and others around us, how we respond to all that, etc., with regard to behavior and even the ability to learn. Which made it seem even more interesting to write it down. But again, I didn't.
  
  Important → Basically, what I was discovering I was interested in, that I regarded as just occurring to me that I was interested in at that moment, was something I had already been deeply interested in before the accident. For years before the accident. For at least 30 years before the accident. What had become interesting to me some time after the accident had already been fascinating to me for quite a while before the accident. With the reboot, it had become latent or buried. Until that aspect of me began to come back online again. But as it was coming back on line, at the time, it felt like it was a new idea. And then the "new idea" itself unburied the memory of the old interest. ← Important
  
  At this time, this unburying of memories, which I will later (Part 2) describe as "cascades" did not result in large cascades of memories. That feature was not yet fully enabled, and thus not yet fully online yet. And of course, at the time, I also didn't appreciate that there was anything at all I had forgotten. Not that I thought I remembered everything. Rather, I just didn't give any thought to it at all.
  
  Basically, I was just "moving forward". Instinctually. And getting a little better each day. The reboot was continuing. And, I really did want out.
  
  
  
  Day 24 (Oct 29) - By now I have progressed quite a bit from a mobility and coordination perspective. I hiked to the gym with my PT, where I was able to walk on a raised 4x4 or wider bar, maybe 10 feet long. One exercise was one foot in front of the other. The other was walking sideways on it. I don't know if I used anything to help me keep my balance. While the activity is in a dated notebook that they had me write down activities in, I actually don't remember the specific event that I myself recorded.
  
  The LTM thing is still at an interesting phase at this time. For example, note the picture of a clock I drew on the same day. It is quite a bit more advanced than the first one I drew in Room 2. Nothing surreal about this one. However, I have no memory of having drawn it, or even of having been asked to draw it.
  
  Sometimes "On". Sometimes "Off".
  
  
• Day 25 (Oct 30) - The Visit to Target. By this time I knew that my release date was scheduled for Oct 31. That took much longer than I wanted it to. However, several days earlier I understood that the timing was fully out of my control if I wanted to successfully execute the result of "getting home." So, I went with it patiently (literally, since it was my only option, and I can switch my mind there quickly, or, the ability for me to do that was again online and I did it.)
  
  However, I had one more test to pass. A few days earlier, I had been taken through some exercises that resulted in me generating a list of things to find and buy at Target. I think it was a hair brush, a child's board type game, a gift card, some shampoo. That I remember that "now", at the time I am writing it for you to read, should tell you something about my LTM abilities by Day 25. Not great, but good enough.
  
  I'll skip discussing the test exercises that resulted in the list. They were designed to test my ability to come up with an appropriate list based on someone else's needs and write it down. That I did that OK meant I could go to Target to shop. Which I needed to do successfully if I was going to be released.
  
  I suppose I could have regarded this as tyrannical control. But instead my aim was to get what I wanted. So I saw myself in control of the situation. I wanted them to let me go home, and so I was going to succeed, which would compel them to do so. Mind games.
  
  Of course, they played down the dependency of my leaving on a successful Target trip. Instead, they said that if we did well, then I could have a cookie at the Starbucks that was inside the Target.
  
  And, that cookie, also, was something I could look forward to. And, was determined to get.
  
  So we exited the hospital, and a couple cars picked us up (there were other patients also having their tests, but I didn't know them, nor them me). We drove over a mile to the Target, parked and went inside for shopping. What was also different is that I had on some of my regular clothes. First time in weeks!
  
  I had my list, I knew what to get, I'd been in a Target a few times before, the arrangement all looked familiar enough, and off I went.
  
  Remember, if I couldn't find exactly what was on my list (which would be expected for some things) then I was to find a reasonable replacement at a good price.
  
  I say I set off, but I wasn't alone. One of my PT's was with me. Not always by my side, and often just shadowing me in another aisle. A few things I was able to find right away, and the rest was more difficult. Like the shampoo. There was not just one shampoo aisle, but more like 3 or 4!. Dozens and dozens of varieties to look through. Still, not the one I was looking for. So, I eventually decided to get one at a good price but in a container that looked nice. Ah, marketing!
  
  While I succeeded in making a pick, I was a bit irritated that Target thought my having a broad selection for my convenience meant that I had to look for 5 minutes just to find a reasonably priced shampoo that was good enough. I could go on and on about the irony and ridiculousness of that. But in the end, I got everything, checked out, and headed for Starbucks for my Cookie.
  
  While having the coffee and cookie with my PT, she asked me what I thought about the experience. I said, "It was fine. But I now know why I prefer shopping at Costco. If I need to find a shampoo at Costco, its all in a half aisle or less, not four. There are maybe 5-6 choices, not 60. And its all just as good a selection, really." And she chuckled, and said all the guys seemed to feel that way about Target.
  
  Done with testing!!
  
  
  
• Having passed my treasure hunt at Target, I was now approved and ready to go home. I had also progressed enough cognitively not only to have reacquired significant credible LTM and High Credible Perception of Reality (High CPR), I also was initiating logistical planning as I was looking forward to assuming the responsibilities I normally took care of "back at the ranch." There was also quite a bit that had been "left dangling" that I needed to get taken care of once back. Important, of course, are not the specifics, but that cognitively enough of the reboot had executed and was back on line that it was quite natural (to me) for me to be thinking and organizing and planning to execute my life in this way.
  
  
• Apparently, this level of cognitive ability was far surpassing anything folks (both medical and family) had ever expected I would be capable of again. AND, actually, I had much farther to go. And, did go.
  
  
• But now I was leaving. And I couldn't have been more pleased. And, it seemed, that even though this was the day, actually getting out the door was taking too long! I suppose, that even on this day, although all the impatience was kept to myself, "Pt. is Impulsive." It didn't feel that way though. Everyone else was just taking too long.
  
  

→ Room 3 was last updated 24 Jun 2017 15:10 PDT ←

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Consider thoughtfully.