Dear Sophia,

David has begun to press ahead (phase 1 - brainstorm writing) with the creation of the dimorphism chapter. It will touch on the human aspects (of course, the personality filters) as well as extending the concept of paired relationships to all things in the universe. Typical.

It occurred to me that your work with folks who have suffered TBI's might offer insights!

For example:

1. Sophia found "I care!" to be high priority FACT to communicate to her patients. The Resilience chapter posted last month actually associated the "I care" as an essential dimension of the concept of "Home" which is where the Resilient Me will always gravitate. The concept of home is also associated (all cultures) with the maternal, or the feminine. The XX. So, question #1 is: Has Sophia or other folks who work with TBI patients found that feminine rehab specialists have statistically greater / better success than masculine specialists?
   
   
2. The gender-influences on our behavioral traits are also cognitive. The Cognitive Reboot that initiates if the injury has been severe enough (but not so severe as to prevent it!) will progress differently for each patient depending on injury, etc. Have you seen impacts (short-term or long term) on any of the cognitive functional behaviors as they re-manifested themselves that differed from what one might expect for their gender?
   
   
3. There is a small section (5 short paragraphs between 2 horizontal lines) that I'd be interested getting your reaction to. No holds barred raw honesty. To check it out, that small section is linked to here:
   

Peace.

David.

→ Note #1 to Sophia Nine was last updated 27 Jun 2018 12:30 PDT ←

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Reply #1:

Dear David,

On comparing male vs. female rehab specialists and their success with their patients ...

I have no idea! I haven't ever met/had a coversation with a "speech therapist" who is male. Men are typically physical therapists and occasionally occupational therapists. I can, however, impart that the male rehabilitation therapists I have met and worked with (who excel at their jobs) tend to have more feminine qualities about them.

On the the gender-related personality impacts that may be seen as a result of TBI ...

This is such a loaded questions as there are SO many factors that affect behaviors following a TBI. Especially as one is moving through the Ranchos Los Amigos Scale. At a level Four you may see a previously demur girl act completely inappropriate (much to the families' horror!) some level of these changes often continue but I have always contributed these behaviors more to a new level of impulsivity (combined with the "racing" of the injured brain's thoughts.) Alternatively, I've seen manly-men become extra emotional and more able to express their feelings (sappy even!) - again, unable to inhibit their emotional responses as they did prior to their TBI.



My first thought in reading before the 2 horizontal lines is "The asymmetry of filters is a wider asymmetry during adolesence!!"

My reaction to between the lines is: it's very generic. There are so many shades of gray when it comes to gender. I was a TOMBOY in every sense of the word. Never played with dolls (I actually am still grossed out by dolls) and hated to wear dresses and anything feminine. I still HATE the color PINK! Despite my nurturing and collaborative tendencies, at work and with people in general, if I play any sort of game I play to WIN. I am highly competitive and proud of my athletic prowess. ;) I have been labled "The Project" during girl's weekends away to try and get me interested in wearing makeup!! I've definitely moved more towards feminity since hitting puberty, but honestly... its a lot of work! :) and "Being Feminine" just doesn't hold my attention and make me want to spend too much of my time on "Being Feminine."

Sophia

→ Reply #1 to David Apollo was last updated 22 Jul 2018 22:00 PDT ←

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Note #2:
Hi Sophia,

Could you lend me some insights regarding a few questions I have?

David

→ Note #2 to Sophia Nine was last updated 05 Dec 2018 19:00 PST ←

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Reply #2:

David,

You asked: What do you think of when you think about yourself?

• When Alone? - Just me, a good person just trying to get through life.
• When with Others - Depends on the "Others." As humans we always compare and I quickly break it down to, "do I like myself when I'm with this person?"
• When with Males? - Does the male treat me like a person? And appear to respect me?
• When with Females? - Interestingly, I'm much more guarded when I'm with women. I feel like men overlook minor shortfalls a person may have and just hang out without all the drama.

You asked: Do you ever consider your self, The Me that is you, separate or distinct from you as a woman? Or, is "female" an intrinsic "definition aspect" of how you regard yourself. If you do consider yourself differently than an "intrinsic woman" then how do you consider yourself? What is important to you about you?

• No, I'm "ME", and a woman/female is secondary. I have to force myself to think about the "woman" part sometimes. Most important to me is to be a Good Person. I consider myself a Good Person that happens to be a Woman.

You asked: When you have had a big day, one that took a lot of energy, etc., and now it is time to chill out, what do you consider would be a great thing to wind up doing? Relax by yourself, with another, or with others (multi?) Would you wind up most chilled out if you spent your "time out" with another woman, another male, a dog, whatever, doesn't matter?

• This very much depends. Typically, my go to is: Hanging with one or two other people, taking a bath or snuggling an animal or kid! My husband likes to go out in a group, but that's not my thing. I like less stimulation when I want to chill.

You asked: While it is true that I (an XY) have often found you (an XX) inspirational, practical, powerful, positive, and often bringing on unexpected epiphanies (a perfect muse!) it is also true that we do not know each other well. Though I may believe I "get you good enough" ... perhaps I don't. It is highly likely that I don't. Which is where I "stumble" without even knowing it. Do you experience me as "not aware" of the emotional messaging that either you and I are communicating with each other? This is a perceived "Emotional / IQ " question.

• If I think you've missed the point I'll re-explain. I find writing a bit harder as I'm very succint in my writing and don't feel like I'm a great communicator in this medium.

You asked: Do you have any questions for me? For other males? For other females?

• I'm not shy about asking my questions to men (more so with women though - interesting.) I feel like men appreciate my thoughtful questions, while women think I'm judging them. Usually, I'm just really curious about the answer!

You asked: Do you find that either you or your female friends / acquaintances either wait or delay or postpone asserting their comments / points / positions until you / they feel "allowed?" "Allowed" may not be the correct word, but what I am getting to is perhaps "permitted" or "acceptable" or "the right time." Why or why not? What is nearly the first reaction that came to mind?

• Definitely Yes. I believe it's because women generally take things more personally than men and feel judged by other women if they don't like what has been said. Women feel vs. men hear constructive criticism.

You asked: We are 40-50 years into the "gender equality" movement that began in the 60's. That movement was a continuation of a women's right movement that began perhaps a hundred years earlier. Why do you think we are where we are today? Where do you think we are today? Are we where you would like us to be today? Where do you want "us" to be?

• I want us to be in a place where it doesn't matter either way, in terms of personal relationships (i.e. if a married couple has worked out who stays at home as a homemaker vs. breadwinner and they're happy with it, great!) In the workplace, equality should reign.

You asked: Do you consider your hair (how it looks, etc.,) as an integral part of The You? The Me?

• Nope. But I think that is not often the case. My daughter is very much like me, in terms of rarely wears makeup, puts little focus on her hair, etc... She steals both my clothes and my husband's (she's 18) and shops at thrift stores. My husband has said more than once, "You're a girl, when are you going to dress like one?" I'm sure you can imagine my anger towards that comment to my daughter, who is actually following in my "TomBoy" footsteps. I firmly believe she will come into her own and become comfortable in her woman-ness as she navigates through life and feels more comfortable with her feminine side.

You asked: Are there other aspects of your body that you consider to be important components that "define" or "feature" or "brand" who/what you are?

• I was always self-conscious of my stomach, a little pooch that was just there no matter that I was in great shape. My husband once said to me when I complained, "Well, that's where the babies will go so don't worry about it." Best thing he ever said, as I repeated it to myself everytime I felt internal negative comments towards myself.
• I have always had comments from men about having big boobs, I never felt like my breasts "matched" my personality as a TomBoy - especially once they got big enough to "get in the way" of sports and now, being a great source of pain/discomfort since my early 40s. If I hadn't felt like a (literally) strong young woman in college who could protect myself, I think having big boobs would have made me so self conscious it would have negatively impacted me socially a bit.
• There have been many times instead of shutting down due to a rude guy, I became aggressive and insisted whatever behavior that was making me uncomfortable be stopped immediately (and shamed them!)

You asked: Do those last two questions seem like they are ridiculous questions to even ask?

• Maybe ridiculous, but don't you think men have aspects of their looks that define them? Uni-Brow (my son definitely doesn't like his!), hairy back, etc.

You asked: When you encounter someone or a group that wants what you have, and insists on having it, and you disagree, is your instinct to try to work it out, talk it over, or to let them have it? Do you take a different approach, or have a different goal? When "negotiating", is your strategy one that emphasizes "fairness", or one that emphasizes "control?" A different emphasis? Do you look for the "win-win", or are you more interested in "I win."

• Along the lines of the Good Person, I want a win-win. However, a Good Person realizes that not everyone can have everything and sometimes you just have to be happy for someone else that has what you want.

You asked: What are you actually communicating when you smile? What are you thinking? Do you think about it? Is it where you are, where you want to be, or is it where you want who you are interacting with to be?

• My smile may be genuine or hiding my true feelings, just depends on the situation and whether I like a person or not! ;)

You asked: Probing misunderstood (or ignored) communication - Does "Yes" mean "Yes" or does "Yes" mean "Maybe?" Does "No" mean "No" or does "No" mean "Maybe?" How often each?

• I learned a good trick from my brother in law. It's the "Hmm." Stated very matter of factly and it is an "unknown response" and it's fascinating how people will interpret it. Sometimes they interpret it as a yes or no and then after a few beats will say "Wait, what do you mean by that?"
• Ignored communication drives me crazy (teenagers are great at this) and I take it as a huge disrespectul insult.
• Stonewalling. I find it immature.

You asked: Let's say you have your choice of various drinks. Beers. Wine. Mixed drinks (cocktails). Even hard liquors, such as bourbons, etc. Your choices are solely anything you prefer. Its sometime during the day when intoxication is AOK. End of the day, whatever. It is possible that when you decide to have a drink, multiple aspects are going on at the same time. You may or may not be thirsty. You may want to relax, "take the edge off", and alcohol may help move things in the right direction. You may simply enjoy the taste, texture, temperature of the drink. And, of course, the differing drinks represent differing amounts of alcohol in the mix you are enjoying.

Overall, what seems to govern how much of your drink that you consume. Thirst? Taste? Fullness due to volume consumed? Fun with friends? The degree of intoxication you may feel? What determines how much you will actually drink? Do you think about it at all?

• I don't think too much about alcohol. I only drink to be social. I don't like the taste of alcohol and if I drink too much it only feels good for about 30 minutes and then I'm sick! I almost never have more than 3 drinks in a (long) night. I am almost afraid to drink because if I over do it I get sick.

You asked: Do you wait until allowed? Why?

From a male's perspective, consider a football game between two opposing sides that respect each other and want to play the game with each other. Which side waits for permission of the other? If one side feels compelled to wait till allowed, which side wins? Which behavior generates respect?: The one waiting to be allowed before doing, or the the one that is simply doing?

What is "The Bell Curve" female's perspective? Your perspective? Is yours the default female perspective?

• Mine is not the default female perspective, nor a person who likes being intoxicated.

You asked: About motherhood ... Same concept approached a few different ways:

When you imagine a relationship with your own child (a child that you became pregnant with, carried to term, and birthed), how do you perceive the relationship?

• Unconditional love combined with being a mentor/support.
• Having teens has brought to light that your child has to want to be mentored and you can only "bring the horse to water, but can't make it drink." I've got a wild horse who is 17 and while I love him unconditionally, he doesn't want to hear the mentor piece and will have to suffer from his own poor decisions, sadly.

Are you two different people, mother and child?

• Definitely two different people. Luckily my parents are still alive and living nearby so I still get to be a "child" occasionally (i.e. curl up on the couch next to my dad and get dad to snuggle in!)

Are you a "We"? Together, Separate but One. A "We"?

When making decisions for your child, are you making them as if making them for you? Do you see yourselves as separate, or as one?

• Definitely separate. Decisions are made to help support and provide advantages for each particular child.

When you were pregnant, Separate or as One?

• Separate

Many women insist that decisions regarding pregnancies belong solely to them as a right to manage their bodies. Is the symbiotic relationship between woman and embryo perceived as essentially one body?

• I believe this depends on the circumstance. A wanted child vs. an unexpected pregnancy are two different discussions based on "how it comes to be." While both of these stories begin physically in the same place, emotionally they are worlds apart and emotions are part of any woman's decisions!

→ Reply #2 to David Apollo from Sophia was last updated 10 Dec 2018 13:00 PST ←

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